Working late on somedays. Ashlee invited us all for a late dinner on Thursday... a perfect roast dinner that was out of this world mouth watering good. I got there last and as I walked up to the side door, I looked through the kitchen window and just watched my girls interact with each other. Even with all their differences, they are each others best friend. It was a peek into life for several minutes until Kelsie looked up and screamed... not my intention.
I am blessed and I know that. This past year I have spent more time focusing on what is missing in my life instead of all that is good. I have been complaining more too, which I don't like. Not a good way to live each day, but it's almost like I can't help it. Has a year gone by? Am I missed? Am i loved? When will it get easier? How do I permanently give this all to God without taking it back from Him?
As I say my prayers, I am trying not to quickly jump up and do my will, but to ponder more and really try to understand what God's will is for me (I am a jumper). Sometimes, the only thing I feel, is deep down tiredness. I believe we each have special purposes and gifts. The only thing is lately as I ponder, I am getting a clear stupor of thought. I know in my heart that had I not been so quick to jump these past almost 19 years with Pebbles, I would have had the same stupor of thought I am feeling now and perhaps made different choices. But I can't go back. I can only learn from the past and hopefully move forward more mindfully as I continue with my pondering until I feel God's will... I am presenting Him with all my plans and I wait, while I'm working.